Kids! Ever wanted to learn Symbol, the font on everyone's computer that no one ever uses? Now you can, with our easy instructional guide! Impress your friends, attract members of the opposite sex (or the same sex, if that's your "gig"), even climb the corporate ladder to wealth and happiness! All it takes is our simple system of memorization and orientation. Let's begin:
First, learn this simple rule:
Goats Like to Eat Rabid Gerbils in the Springtime.
Translates to: Goats Like to Eat Rabid Gerbils in the Springtime.
Now you try it. Translate the following sentence:
Please remove these dogs from my collarbone. The dogs are hurting my collarbone. My collarbone is in extreme pain.
If you said, "More schoolchildren drink liquid possum than any other liquefied mammalian creature," then you are wrong. Dead wrong. The correct answer is:
Please remove these dogs from my collarbone. The dogs are hurting my collarbone. My collarbone is in extreme pain.
Imagine the approval on your parole officer's face when you write this down on a piece of paper:
Fuck no, I didn't pop him! I was at my baby mama's house, watching Dinner and a Movie on TBS, which is the superstation, so act like you know, trick...
The average son of a bitch wouldn't even know which way to read that sentence! But your P.O. will think, 'Don't hate the player, hate the game' when she/he reads it and instantly recognizes it as:
Fuck no, I didn't pop him! I was at my baby mama's house, watching Dinner and a Movie on TBS, which is the superstation, so act like you know, trick...
Ok, you know that hot-shot lawyer that's always at your keg parties? I know, you want to kick him in the windpipe and show him who's really the realest. But that could lead to painful lawsuits, painful retaliation and/or even painful jail time. Instead, why not impress everyone by writing him a nasty note, in Symbol, of course!
Just write:
Yo, Fuckhole: Do not think because my yard birds moved to your house that you done won the shit. Money, you must be smoking bones, son. You best bounce or get bounced punk. I am still bucking like five deuce four trey, chicken head.
Which, if you have the least bit of intelligence, of course means:
Yo, Fuckhole: Do not think because my yard birds moved to your house that you done won the shit. Money, you must be smoking bones, son. You best bounce or get bounced punk. I am still bucking like five deuce four trey, chicken head.
Now, the part you've all been waiting for: Courting a lover with the mystic language of Symbol.
So you're checking out some juicy crotch at the Elks lodge one Sunday night. Walk over like you've got about 74 cents stuck in your anus-confident like-and scribble this little number on a cocktail napkin:
3
Then, after counting down from three on your dominant hand, scribble this:
What is up, trick? I think you and I need to knock boots at the Holiday Inn. Why don't you ditch the zero and bounce with the hero, boo? You deaf, mother fucker? I SAID 'YOU DEAF?' PUNK.
Which, if you have the cranial capacity of a poorly neutered Bichon Frise, obviously translates to:
What is up, trick? I think you and I need to knock boots at the Holiday Inn. Why don't you ditch the zero and bounce with the hero, boo? You deaf, mother fucker? I SAID 'YOU DEAF?' PUNK.
You're so in, I can hear the condom being flushed already. Or the dental dam, if that's your deal.
