he said return to me


For Official Release: Jim Varney Has Died


 We at The Concept regret to inform the public that Jim Varney, best known for his role as Ernest, the lovable redneck whose movies became American cult classics, has died. He was 51. We think. It has been confirmed that Mr. Varney has died. The cause was lung cancer. This could not be confirmed at press time.

Mr. Varney died on February 10, 2000, in Los Angeles, California. We think. It was in a town or city in America. This information has been confirmed. Although Mr. Varney's death occured over six months prior to this official release, Concept staff were not informed of his passing until this day, September 5, 2000.

shut the hell up Varney's character, Ernest, starred in anywhere between 2 and 100 movies. The exact number could not be confirmed at press time. His movies were a mix of slapstick comedy and inspirational action. This could not be confirmed at press time, as no one here at The Concept has ever seen an Ernest movie.

Varney was a well-liked figure in Hollywood, where his annual volunteer work at the West Hollywood Homeless Shelter deemed him the nickname, "The Saint of Sunset Boulevard". This information could not be confirmed at press time, as none of the reporters for The Concept knew anything about Varney or what the hell he did in his spare time.

Recent speculation has centered around The Concept's responsibility to report on the deaths of celebrities. Editor Paul Nair responded to such claims, stating, "Shut the fuck up, Raul, eat your goddamn tacos. Fucker." This comment could not be confirmed at press time, as my grandmother may be reading this. I didn't say those words, Nana, trust me.

Recent speculation has centered around Nair's ability to write relevent pieces at all. These speculations could not be confirmed at press time, because I'm not off fucking people in the ass like the rest of these dumbass Internet fuckers at this lousy website. Oops.

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